I do own a few slaves, but I make it clear that I need them to have their own lives outside of me (just as long as it doesn’t interfere with what I want out of them.) One for instance has a happy marriage and family, and when we’re together, it’s just us - his service to me and my dominance over him. It’s nice, it’s occasional, and I know I can depend on him if I ever need him.
For some subs, they’re in love with the idea of ownership rather than the actual act or the owner. That’s a recipe for disaster. It’s kind of like wanting to lose your virginity; you’re in such a rush to get it over with, you totally lose the point of why you should be doing it in the first place. So those people I stay away from if they’re all “own me, abuse me, please, please!” It’s reverse objectification… I’m just something they can use for their own ends to feel a way they want, and in the end they’re never happy because it’s never going to correlate with exactly what they want in their head… not to forget the fact it’ll always feel wrong because it’s empty without the mental and emotional connection sex has.
I don’t try to fool myself like a lot of other girls do in this scene; even if you never have penetrating sex, bottom, or are touched in a conventionally sexual way, you’re still offering a form of sex to someone. It was a hard thing to come to terms with because I think a lot of Pro-Dommes want to distance themselves from escorts, strippers, erotic masseuses, and porn stars, as if to elevate themselves like they’re better. Then the “Pro-Domme Snob” comes into play. Even if a Domina is just spanking, even if she is just humiliating, she’s a sex worker. I mean, that’s why the client is there even if he doesn’t get off in the conventional way (“the release.”)
The parameters of a Owner owning a slave or a sub are so complex. People like to make it neat and clean by putting together contracts, enforcing protocol, and distancing with restrictions. It’s not that simple and I think it’s dumb because humans aren’t neat and clean and I don’t think we ever will be. It’s a robotic, sterile way to look at BDSM and I know for some it’s the way to go and I recognize it as necessary; there’s a difference between letting a contract be guidelines and then letting a contract rule. I believe in organic BDSM, letting planning come into play only a fraction and relying on your intuition to guide your heart in playtime… because that’s what it comes down to, playtime. We’re all adult children frolicking in an adult Garden of Eden of fuckery, wearing costumes like it’s Halloween, becoming our own imaginary alter-egos, and letting our wildest dreams come true like it’s a trip to Disneyland (when it’s really just a trip to OWK!)
Some people can handle the full immersion and thrive; I think that a lot of others are fooled into thinking it’s what they need in the same way a lot of people viewed the traditional nuclear family unit as the normal way to have a family or even marriage as a solution instead of just a step (and not just a step everyone has to take… it’s not meant for everyone.)
I really think that in a sense we are always in these “Owner” and “owned” relationships and that BDSM is a heightened state of reality, like an exaggeration of what is always there.
I also think there is a problem with divisions of reality and fantasy, which I know a lot of people struggle with; how can a domme command respect unless she’s always the Top? How can a sub get his respect if he’s always the bottom? I feel like relationship communications is a big gaping hole in BDSM counseling and I have a feeling that a lot of talented individuals will recognize this gap and rush to fill it. (I hope.)